Just sitting here thinking about it is making me cry. Why? I guess because it's something that - in some way - makes me feel like a failure. I guess gaining 6 pounds a year isn't really a better option at this point, however. Less than 5 years ago, I was a lifetime member (and fairly tiny). And at that time... my strategy in losing most of my weight was "divorce". I would like to not have to go through that strategy again.
As I attempt to mentally prepare for each week's "weigh-in", I get that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don't want to face the scale. I don't want to admit that I'm bigger than I want to be. It makes me physically ill just thinking about it - like the feeling you get before you take a big test, or before you suck it up to apologize for some major screw up. It downright sucks.
In the end? Sure, I'm probably better off for it. But trust me.... that doesn't mean I enjoy it. It means I'm hungry - ALL - THE - TIME. It means I feel "guilty" for eating that cheesy nacho dip for the Super Bowl party. Scratch that. I feel guilty for eating ANYTHING.
My coworkers (who seem to be losing weight at twice or three times the speed) tell me things that I'm supposed to take comfort in, and perhaps identify with. One coworker suggested, "you have to get your head straight"
Another coworker pointed out that her "clothes are fitting better" which made me notice that yes, perhaps my close aren't quite as tight as they were a few weeks ago.
IT STILL SUCKS. And this week, I didn't even lose (although I did maintain).
I like to think of myself as a "positive" person, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around why this particular "thing" is something I haven't yet managed to "get" positive about. Even losing weight the first week had me in a "foul" mood. Every time I think about it - I want to cry (and often do). It's pathetic.
Let me repeat: THIS SUCKS! I wish I could force myself to give up, but that means the "alternative" - which is staying at an unhealthy weight (and beating myself up over that, instead). Is that really better? Hmm... I guess that also sucks. I guess it's just a matter of which sucks less.
It's probably a good thing that I've already paid for 12 weeks - that may be one of the few things that motivates me to keep making an effort!
DISCLAIMER: I realize this is more negative than my typical post, and I'm not necessarily looking for sympathy. I'll figure it out. Eventually.
Love: FOOD!
Hope: I make some progress, so it's worth it in the end...
Do: Get over it, and move on!
